Saturday, December 10, 2011

They haven't dropped yet

Slap me, someone slap me. I'm terrible at this. I get so busy with myself and think "oh I need to blog", but then I always forget. So my promise to myself is to blog! Yeah, yeah I know it's that time of the year where everyone makes "new year's resolutions", but this isn't that, because it's only Mid December. So I need a volunteer to nag me! So please submit yourself for the position and I'll get back to you. Maybe, if I remember to. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

So I'm here to tell you whats been happening with me! Well, I'm in the phase of my life, where my current friends bail on me. This seems to be a cycle in my life. Meet new people, hang out and do activities for like a month, then the bailing occurs. I'm sick of being that person who constantly puts the effort in and receives nothing back. So scews you alls, I'm going to stick to the real friends. Like my friend Sarah! I'm so proud of her! She's recently met the love of her life (right now) and is on her way to becoming an NHL wife. She's also on a diet that she's kicking butt at! I'm so happy and ecstatic for her! Also so excited that we are going to "New Year's Eve" together, ON New Year's Eve! We are the coolest cliche ever.

But my current real hero/idol right now is Marcel the Shell. He has re-opened my eyes to how beautiful life is, every time I smile, I hear his voice in my head saying "you know why I smile alot? cause it's worth it". Every time, no joke! People at my job always ask me why I'm so happy and smiling all the time, they all think I'm guilty of something. Chumps, they just don't understand single girl happiness. I am fairly happy, on most occasions. That's right, I'm still single, I did put my heart into a fantasy recently, only to have it crushed by the "bringing of another women to the gathering where I was going to ask him out" situation. C'est la vie. This has just become part of my daily routine, rejection. But I do think the loneliness is setting in, because I was reminiscing about my 'finance' that I had when I was 3 years old....
Back to Marcel. He just knows it all, he gets me. I think we have the same thought patterns, because when I'm watching his youtube videos, I feel like I'm watching my life. But he is much more simpler then me and I wish I could live that life. And just say it like it is, but I haven't grown my balls yet. Has anyone else my age not have theirs drop yet? Doesn't that happen to everyone? Maybe I should see a doctor.

if you haven't watch this, please do

this too

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Mustard = Well Traveled

Well, well... It's been more then a month!! Wow things have changed! I'm not blond anymore! Did you really expect me to stay one for very long? Really? You should know me by now Blog, I never stick with one thing... hmm.. that's sounds familiar doesn't it? I know all my avid readers are say, oh yeah! You suck at keeping up to date!Well you know what, it's a called a life, or writer's block, they go hand in hand, just like mustard and being well traveled.

I have definitely been busy! I have a job that actually likes me and gives me hours, unlike the last one. I moved, finally. If you didn't know that, then you aren't special enough, sorry, had to be said. And the biggest of all, I've been watching reality tv.  And it's slowly killing me, I watched The X-Factor, oh my goodness, shoot me, a guy in a velor track suit came out and dropped pants and swung his penis around. Paula puked, legit. Also, re-kindled my love for Hot-Rod, such epicness. Probably most important of all, I joined a gym. Yay! I've finally decided to get active again, So if you need someone to send encouragement too, please send to me! I love hearing good things about me! I also joined Twitter! and I already think it's a bad thing for me, today I spent 30 to 45 minutes stalking Cory Monteith's tweets and retweet' I need a man in my life.... 

But in all seriousiness, lets get to the awkward.

WAY TOO MANY Perv's come into my work! I'm legit serious. We get a lot of great people, like Mantracker, but everyone once in awhile (by which I mean, for me at least, twice to three times a week), we get the creepsters. Like today for instance, a group of 8+ men came in, 4 were groomsmen and one groom, and the rest were friends. They needed to get jeans and boots for the wedding. (Side note: jeans are not appropriate wedding attire). These guys were drunk! at 3:00pm! and creepy! Making perverted comments, terrible flirting and "brushing" against you, the sad part is, this isn't the first time it has happened to me at work. I always get the inappropriate ones, older gentlemen placing their hand on the small of my back, this is not okay in someone's work place, especially since I'm already so awkward! Do I give off some sort of come hither men who are old enough to be my dad/grandpa vibe? If so, could you all please tell me what I am doing and I'll put a stop to it immediately. 

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Mantracker should be my best friend

Today, Terry Grant came into my work. It was the highlight of my day, no, week, no, month. I could watch Mantracker all day, and still love it and be impressed by his awesomeness. I can even watch the idiots who win and still love Mantracker, because he tried his best to catch them, and we can only ask for everyone's best.

But my goal list in life includes meeting Terry and getting my picture with him. And hearing all his stories would be rad too.
I had him in my grasps today. He came into my work and I was with a different customer, and as Terry looked up and took his receipt and started to walk out the door, I saw him. I clutched my chest and whispered to my co-worker, who had just rang him through, "Holy Crap, that was Mantracker!" I would have called out to him, but he was out the door. My chance was gone...

I feel like I know him sometimes. I watch the show a lot, and my friend, Holly, well she knows him. I tell everyone the stories she tells me about him. Like, she slow-danced with him on a porch once. And he calls her Miss Holly. Legit, I tell everyone. Holly would be proud of me, and I know that she is probably peeing her pants with sheer joy that she's in my blog and that I tell everyone about her, and she's probably super embarrassed, Love you Holly! I remember the names of people on the show. I think I have a true obsession with it. I however don't watch it as religiously as I should, as it's on OLN, and I only get a chance to watch it when the marathons are on. I always miss the new ones when they are on, the joys of working shift work. I love it, looooooovvvvveeeeee it. I could sit and watch the pranks the prey try and pull and Mantrakcer foil their tricks and shortcuts! My favorite it when they try and back talk and bad mouth him to his face, and by face, I mean like 20 yards away, and he just sits there like a stone, talking under his breathe to his sidekick. He's to good for bad mouthing, Terry is too good.

Fear Not gentle ladies and sirs! My chance to meet him is not over! I hear that he comes into my work often, this has just been the first time while I've been there! So stay tuned for my photo with Mantracker! It will be a hot item when if finally exists, people will ask for my autograph after they see me with Terry Grant in a photo.

Also, Mantracker, if you happen upon this blog randomly, I work at the Lammle's in Shawnessy in Calgary, ask for Nikki, they'll know what you're talking about ;)
Me and Mantracker's Signature on his cheque!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Lover letter to no one

I know I'm missing out on the world. We were meant for this, built for this. How can I be given life without it, what am I doing wrong to miss these opportunities. I know I was put here for a reason and the things that happen are what make me who I am today. But, when is it my turn, when will love show itself to me. All I want is to feel the warmth, experience the ups and downs. I want your arms around me, your hand caressing mine. I want to hold you back, and tell you everything will be alright. I want lust, passion and true joy. We were all put on this earth to feel and love. I can feel it in my bones that I'm meant to love. I care about every individual who has been my friend. I care too much.
Is that is? Do I care too much? Am I pushing away the one for me by smothering? I give and I give and I receive nothing. I've put my feelings out there and been shot done. I've tried to communicate my feelings and been brushed off. What does it take for him to notice me, to see that we truly belong here, in this world, together. All I've ever wanted in life is for you to see, and love me back. I want love. Conditional, everlasting, don't care about anything else, as long as I have you. I just want you. Here. Tonight.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Once you go Blutooth, you never go back

Blutooth, the greatest and worst inventions ever.
I love it for it's ability to play the music from my phone through my car speakers and that I can make a hands-free phone call without worrying about getting a "distracted driver" ticket. It has definitely revolutionized car stereos. I'm hooked for life on mine because it also has an AUX outlet, which I know sounds lame, but I've never owned a car new enough to be graced by the presence of an AUX outlet.
This is my bad boy

My biggest problem with it is when I call my mother. She is the only one who complains incessantly that she can't hear me and then I start yelling and then I realize my window is down and I'm at a stop light and the person beside me has their window down and I begin that slow process of rolling my window up looking embarrassed. Now it's not the window being rolled down that affects how she hears me, because she complains every time. It really occured to me the other day how bad the mic can be sometimes, because I had left a message with an employer about my future with the company, and left a lengthy message about it and when she called back, she had no idea who I was. She had said she was returning my phone call and then there was this awkward silence, because I thought she knew who I was, until I was like "um did you get my message?" and then she explained how it sounded like a jumbled mess. I then began talking about working there again and she stopped me and said "Oh wait, is this Nikki?" and then everything made total sense. Most awkward beginning of a job offer ever. But I still got the job, so all's well that ends well.

Another quick problem with blutooth occurred when I didn't own blutooth, but worked at a Starbucks with a Drive Thru. I was taking a man's order through the Drive Thru, when he asked for a "nonfat" and "soy" in the same drink. And for those of you who don't know what that means, it's types of milk. I had stopped him to ask him which milk it actually was because I didn't want to give the person nonfat if they were lactose-in-tolerant. He then said it was for his girlfriend and he'd call her to double check, since he was the only one in the drive it was cool with me. So I turned off my mic, WAIT, SPOILER ALERT,  little do customers know, we can still hear you when you sit at the order board! He then called her, via blutooth and I overheard the entire conversation and had written down the drink and started making it before he even hung up. Now that's great Customer Service! When he hung up, I had to tell him I heard the whole thing an got the correct drink and that he could pull around to the window. Now that I written this out, I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing?    

It's also just super awkward when you're in the car with someone and they call their wife or husband while you're there and you just sit there silently, but trying not to listen, but you definitely are, it's impossible not to. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Pirates invaded, but all they left was there Clothing

oh heyy... Miss me? I hope so! Well my double booked past two months is over! And what to do with myself is the biggest question. I'm at that lame point in my life where I'm unemployed. shitt.. I hate when that happens. well life will go on. Now on to the good stuff, my socially awkward lifestyle.
So many countless incidences happened to me over these past two months and to try and remember them all would make my brain hurt. Don't worry there were plenty of sexual innuendos, boob grazes, face in crotches and etc.
But since, I need some writing time, seriously, my computers been open to my posting section for like two days, I've got writers block, but don't worry, my life never ceases to amaze me with awkward situations, there will be more to come, my brain just needs some recuperating time since it's been invaded by pirates. Here's a snap shot of my lovely pirates and they're awesome costumes. Enjoy and check it out!
Queen Anne's Revenge: The Rise and Fall of Blackbeard 
Mob Hit Productions
Arrata Opera Centre, Calgary

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Frisky Nipple

I like to instill fear in my younger co-workers from time to time. It builds a bond between us and makes work fun. Once, a young man, about 16 at the time (I was early 20’s) decided to pierce this nipple. I first asked him “what’s wrong with you?” And many people “liked” my funny comment.  When I next saw the whipper-snapper, I made threatening looks, comments and gestures about ripping it out. All in jokes of course, I would never actually have the guts to rip a piercing out of someone’s body. Ouch.  

Sometime later that night, we were caught in a compromising position in the backroom. A young female was shocked to walk in on the site of an older woman holding open the shirt of a younger guy, to get a better look at his “sweet new piercing”.  To ease the tension for the night, I made sure to make a comment like, “Nbd, we were just getting frisky in the backroom”*, it really makes you look professional and not like a whore at all, especially when his girlfriend was present.
It’s a good thing we all get along; I’m just so darn lovable with those kids. Teens and pre-teens just love me and my immaturity. They seriously all miss me, no jokes, I'm not trying to sound full of myself, but they miss me so much, they are probably not going to survive without me in their lives. I completely don't understand how they did before they met me.

*please note we did not actually get frisky, you may need to know me as a person to understand this situation, or have been there. Cause really only the people who were there would find it funny.

Saturday, April 16, 2011


The whereabouts of the composer, and her awkward social situations, have yet to be determined. The last time she was on the premise was April 6, 2011 at 3:26pm, where she made a fool of herself by speaking of inapprops-gropes. Since her humiliation, her absence has been, well, not missed at all. She is deemed, socially unacceptable in the eye of the public, aka facebook. However, a recent break in the case has lead us to Vertigo Mystery Theatre, where she is heard to be working with a mad doctor who transforms into his evil half(ves). For further inquiries, please contact the individual who composes this blog* via text-message** or check out Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, opening on May 5, 2011 at Vertigo Mystery Theatre (base of Calgary Tower).
If failure should bestow upon you in reaching the individual, she may be off attempting her hand at designing the costumes for Queen Anne's Revenge: The Rise and Fall of Blackbeard. (June 9 to 18, 2011 at the Arrata Opera Centre)

* an internet based journal of some sorts dictating people's ridiculous lives that no one really cares about.
** a small message sent from a transportable telephone through the waves in the sky to another transportable telephone.  

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Tell-a-tale Signs of Inapprops-grops

There are so many occasion in everyday life that subtly lead to inappropriate groping.       

-          PDA (public displays of affection) is cool when it’s like a smooch, arms around waists, hand holding, you know PG Rating stuff. But when I’m looking at something in the coffee line up and I feel like I’m in an 18a movie, we’ve got some inaprops-grops on our hands. I don’t need to see you slowly slide your finger down your chicks butt crack and suck face at the same time. Like save that stuff for moments in the privacy of your home, no one wants to watch that while waiting for their Skinny Latte.

-          First Aid & CPR classes. Ok I know it’s all for good stuff, but when the two hottest guys in your classes are brothers (!!!) and get paired with you to practice spinal injuries, groping meter skyrockets! You’re just lying there and they are checking your body over and tilting you from side to side.... wait did I say this was a bad thing?

-          Clubs, this is such a given, but I feel it should be mentioned. I’m sorry but I’m not the kind of girl who goes dancing to get licked on the neck by a stranger!! I bathed about 3 times when I got home that night. Clubs are a breeding ground for too close for comfort touching, all the close proximity is not ok when dudes are trying to touch every single part of you.  I am not judging those who like this, but it definitely is not my cup of tea.

-          The transit system. It’s rush hour, and that means prime time for accidently groping the person next you! When it’s crowded and there’s no way you can sit down, you are stuck standing with a bunch of strangers, swaying with the bumps and stops of the train. No matter know much you attempt to brace yourself, there is a 90% chance you will fall into the person beside you. And they may or may not put their hands up to aid, and those hands may or may not end up in the wrong place. There is absolutely nothing that can avoid this situation.

This is only the beginnings of a long list of Inapprops-grops that have happen, but if we all work together;  maybe PDA can finally be stopped!
Vote no on Inapprops-grops!!  

What's your most memorable Inapprops-grops story??

Monday, April 4, 2011

The Problem with Change

Change. It’s such an uncomfortable experience at every location, when the Cashier gives you the change that is. I’ve recently noticed how stupid this all is. How hard to it to all follow the same procedure?! Confused, let me explain.

So you’ve enter the store of your choosing. Wandered through the sections or aisles finding the exact items you were looking for, or not looking for! I don’t know how many times I’ve gone in a store and gotten exactly what I didn’t need as well! It’s a vicious circle... So after you’ve finished the wandering act and collections of your purchases, you head to a till or counter. There may be a line at the express, which it meant for people with like 3 things, not 20 items people! So you wait in line, or maybe you luck out and  find that till with no other customers, the holy grail of grocery stores. You put your items down to be rung through, and attempt small chit chat with the employee, but it’s always the same.

Cashier “How are you doing today?”
You “Fine, except this weather!”
Cashier   “Yes, it sure isn’t fun!”
You “No, not all”

The whole time, you are not even making eye contact. There are also variations of the conversations, i.e. Big Sale, Long Day, Plans for weekend?

So as your order comes to its end and the cashier gives you the dreaded total, you were secretly hoping they would forget. You give your method of payment; cash is the only option in this story. As the cashier starts to give you your change and receipts back, its can get extremely messy. Here are the examples of the worst methods of handing back.

-          Placing the receipt on your hand and then you coin change on top of that and then bill change on top of that. This just creates so many problems, like the coins slipping off the receipt and the bills as well because you just can’t grip that without items falling.

-          Grouping the receipt with the bills, placing it on your hand and then the coin change on top. Again, terrible, trying to organized all that with only one available hand, because keep in mind you have a wallet in your other.

Also keep in mind, that you feel rushed to move on due to customers behind you, and this increases the stress and mess of putting your change in your wallet. There are other slight variations of these, but the main outlined problem here is putting the paper down first. You somehow have to shimmy the paper out from underneath without spilling the change. The best solution to this problem is quite simple.

First place the coin in the palm of the hand, with the receipt and bills gathered together on top. Now, how hard is that? Just always remember to place the heavy stuff down first!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Being a Lady, According to Me

 I find that I am a woman, but far from a lady at most moments in my life.  Here are some tips on how to achieve my state of lady-ness.

-          Always burp and scratch in public, dudes definitely think its hot...

-          If you’re tired, sleep in, who needs a shower?

-          Make sure to keep your mind dirty, and say whatever you think, don’t hold back, even if it’s the most disgusting thing you can think of. An example you say? How about the notion of baking your farts in a heated seat? That’s just something I’m working on...

-          Talk about your loner habits, people dig hearing about boring people and their activities. That’s how you bag the men.

-          Spit. Hey when your mouth gets full, why keep it in there?

-          Announce what you’re about to do, why hide that fact that you need to take a pee

-          You smelt it; then I probably dealt it. People fart, deal with it.

 -        Use male lingo. Ie. “I’d tap that” or “I’ve got such a boner for him”

I hope this satisfies your need to be more like me. I can’t give you all my golden advice, but this should suffice.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Conscience Sedation Sucks

Reasons why the Dentist’s Office is awkward:

-          When you have to have your face frozen to have a filling or worse. Not only is it painful, having the needle stick into your cheek and gums, but it gives you that super awkward smile after where it looks like half you face is dead.  And no matter how hard you try that part of your lip just won’t move. Your lips get all dried out and you attempt to put lip chap on and you can’t even rub your lips together.
-          The dentist has their fingers all up in your mouth. Like every time you try and swallow your mouth closes a little and then I feel all guilty for closing it more every time, they must think we’re trying to bite them or something.
-          The really awkward waiting period from when they freeze you and when the start working. You’re just lying there feeling your face freeze and numb while listening to the hygienists and dentists talk about TV shows their communally watch and make their funny dental humor.
-          Watching the TV’s in the ceiling. I’ve got the headphones on, but I can still hear what the dentists are saying and it’s like listening to two conversations and I get really confused as to which one to listen to. Half the time their arms and heads get in the way so you can’t even see the TV, or the tools get too loud that you can’t hear the TV, so you’re awkwardly lying there looking up the dentist’s nose.

All these things make the dentist a terrible experience. And they bring back the memory of my wisdom teeth extraction. I didn’t get sedated like most people do. I did it at my dentist’s office, where I was awake. They had me come in early for something called “conscience sedation”. I came in half an hour early to take a pill that would calm me but not knock me out. It’s affect on me was completely opposite. I took it and when they brought me back to sit in the chairs I started freaking out. They began freezing my mouth, again a painful procedure, feeling the chemicals spreading through your face, but they didn't do my upper lip, and man they pinched that a lot! After I became numb and they put those tinted safety glasses on me and were getting ready to put the dam thing in, I burst into tears because I’m had become so tense and was freaking out that I was going to die or something. The dentist was afraid to work on me, kept saying things like “We can do this another time”. I was barely audible when I finally burst out “Just do it!” And we proceeded, in a very embarrassing procedure. It was the most painful experience in my mouth ever. It makes your entire head hurt and I’m glad we only have to do it once in our lives. I ended up getting sick from the Tylenol 3’s they give you and got an infection. So the moral of the story is, don’t do drugs at the dentist, you may end up like this:

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The Day I Lost My Diginity

This one I can’t write in any other way then the straight up truth.

Most embarrassing experience of my life was in the summer of 2006 at my summer camp. It was my last summer as a camper, at my camp, we go on 4 or 5 day out-trips in the back country  on horseback riding, canoeing, backpacking or mountain biking trips. We were going on a horseback riding pack trip in my last year. But our trip was cut down a day, to 4 days. We had an extra day at camp before we had to leave, so while the rest of camp was packing up to leave the next morning, we as a cabin decided to go for a canoe around the lake and to hang out at the public beach, where there’s a sweet ice cream stand!
So we are required to wear life jackets when in a canoe on the water, but when we got to the beach I decided to leave it on and float around in the swimming area. I just love the support it gives! Holds in my big assets really well! Anyway I stayed in the water much longer than everyone else, it was so warm and perfect feeling!

After a little while I heard my best friend, Tanya, calling my name saying our cabin leader, Becky, was going to buy us all ice cream at the stand and we were going there now! So I lumbered out of the water and headed to our canoes to drop my life jacket. I ran up to catch them and was walking behind Tanya and I then looked down at my arm and saw a little black thing on my arm, and I tried to brush it off and it wouldn't move.
I should probably mention at this point that our lake at camp is crawling with leeches. I had never seen one before up close, and asked Tanya what this was, she turned around and picked it off saying it was a leech. I then got grossed out and asked her to check the rest of my, so she lifted up the back of my bathing suit and immediately said, “We need to find Becky”.  I started freaking out and wondering why, because I was covered in leeches all in my bathing suit. We rushed to the ice cream stand where the rest of my cabin and Becky, my leader were. Tears were streaming down my face at this point because I was freaking out. My cabin mates rushed to my aid when Tanya told them what was wrong. They began picking them off and when one girl started lifting up the front of my bathing suit everyone went silent and one girl had to pull something off my stomach. I never knew at the time. So keep in mind that I’m standing in the middle of the ice cream stand patio and they are starting to un-dress me, when someone finally suggested we go to the outhouse. My leader Becky and one other girl came in with me to clean the rest of me off.  I had to strip down in front of them while they checked the rest of me. When I was finally clean, they told me what happened when we got back to the canoes to head back to camp. The rest of the day is pretty much a blur, but I faintly remember canoeing back, half naked, then taking a shower and scrubbing really hard and taking an anti-histamine and the rest is foggy after that.. 

Apparently a momma leech had latched onto my stomach and laid her babies all over me, so the leeches had been fairly simple to get off, thank God.  But that still didn’t stop the itching and the crawling feelings I kept having. I couldn’t sleep at all that night because I kept feeling them all over me. But there is definitely so hiding what I look like anymore around those girls, they’ve officially seen it all.  You could say that was the day I lost my dignity..

My cabin mates never told me how big the momma leech was until 4 months later! It was about this big. 
 Please note that is not my actual photo, I had to googled it and well that brought make some terrifying memories...