Thursday, April 28, 2011

Frisky Nipple

I like to instill fear in my younger co-workers from time to time. It builds a bond between us and makes work fun. Once, a young man, about 16 at the time (I was early 20’s) decided to pierce this nipple. I first asked him “what’s wrong with you?” And many people “liked” my funny comment.  When I next saw the whipper-snapper, I made threatening looks, comments and gestures about ripping it out. All in jokes of course, I would never actually have the guts to rip a piercing out of someone’s body. Ouch.  

Sometime later that night, we were caught in a compromising position in the backroom. A young female was shocked to walk in on the site of an older woman holding open the shirt of a younger guy, to get a better look at his “sweet new piercing”.  To ease the tension for the night, I made sure to make a comment like, “Nbd, we were just getting frisky in the backroom”*, it really makes you look professional and not like a whore at all, especially when his girlfriend was present.
It’s a good thing we all get along; I’m just so darn lovable with those kids. Teens and pre-teens just love me and my immaturity. They seriously all miss me, no jokes, I'm not trying to sound full of myself, but they miss me so much, they are probably not going to survive without me in their lives. I completely don't understand how they did before they met me.

*please note we did not actually get frisky, you may need to know me as a person to understand this situation, or have been there. Cause really only the people who were there would find it funny.

Saturday, April 16, 2011


The whereabouts of the composer, and her awkward social situations, have yet to be determined. The last time she was on the premise was April 6, 2011 at 3:26pm, where she made a fool of herself by speaking of inapprops-gropes. Since her humiliation, her absence has been, well, not missed at all. She is deemed, socially unacceptable in the eye of the public, aka facebook. However, a recent break in the case has lead us to Vertigo Mystery Theatre, where she is heard to be working with a mad doctor who transforms into his evil half(ves). For further inquiries, please contact the individual who composes this blog* via text-message** or check out Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, opening on May 5, 2011 at Vertigo Mystery Theatre (base of Calgary Tower).
If failure should bestow upon you in reaching the individual, she may be off attempting her hand at designing the costumes for Queen Anne's Revenge: The Rise and Fall of Blackbeard. (June 9 to 18, 2011 at the Arrata Opera Centre)

* an internet based journal of some sorts dictating people's ridiculous lives that no one really cares about.
** a small message sent from a transportable telephone through the waves in the sky to another transportable telephone.  

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Tell-a-tale Signs of Inapprops-grops

There are so many occasion in everyday life that subtly lead to inappropriate groping.       

-          PDA (public displays of affection) is cool when it’s like a smooch, arms around waists, hand holding, you know PG Rating stuff. But when I’m looking at something in the coffee line up and I feel like I’m in an 18a movie, we’ve got some inaprops-grops on our hands. I don’t need to see you slowly slide your finger down your chicks butt crack and suck face at the same time. Like save that stuff for moments in the privacy of your home, no one wants to watch that while waiting for their Skinny Latte.

-          First Aid & CPR classes. Ok I know it’s all for good stuff, but when the two hottest guys in your classes are brothers (!!!) and get paired with you to practice spinal injuries, groping meter skyrockets! You’re just lying there and they are checking your body over and tilting you from side to side.... wait did I say this was a bad thing?

-          Clubs, this is such a given, but I feel it should be mentioned. I’m sorry but I’m not the kind of girl who goes dancing to get licked on the neck by a stranger!! I bathed about 3 times when I got home that night. Clubs are a breeding ground for too close for comfort touching, all the close proximity is not ok when dudes are trying to touch every single part of you.  I am not judging those who like this, but it definitely is not my cup of tea.

-          The transit system. It’s rush hour, and that means prime time for accidently groping the person next you! When it’s crowded and there’s no way you can sit down, you are stuck standing with a bunch of strangers, swaying with the bumps and stops of the train. No matter know much you attempt to brace yourself, there is a 90% chance you will fall into the person beside you. And they may or may not put their hands up to aid, and those hands may or may not end up in the wrong place. There is absolutely nothing that can avoid this situation.

This is only the beginnings of a long list of Inapprops-grops that have happen, but if we all work together;  maybe PDA can finally be stopped!
Vote no on Inapprops-grops!!  

What's your most memorable Inapprops-grops story??

Monday, April 4, 2011

The Problem with Change

Change. It’s such an uncomfortable experience at every location, when the Cashier gives you the change that is. I’ve recently noticed how stupid this all is. How hard to it to all follow the same procedure?! Confused, let me explain.

So you’ve enter the store of your choosing. Wandered through the sections or aisles finding the exact items you were looking for, or not looking for! I don’t know how many times I’ve gone in a store and gotten exactly what I didn’t need as well! It’s a vicious circle... So after you’ve finished the wandering act and collections of your purchases, you head to a till or counter. There may be a line at the express, which it meant for people with like 3 things, not 20 items people! So you wait in line, or maybe you luck out and  find that till with no other customers, the holy grail of grocery stores. You put your items down to be rung through, and attempt small chit chat with the employee, but it’s always the same.

Cashier “How are you doing today?”
You “Fine, except this weather!”
Cashier   “Yes, it sure isn’t fun!”
You “No, not all”

The whole time, you are not even making eye contact. There are also variations of the conversations, i.e. Big Sale, Long Day, Plans for weekend?

So as your order comes to its end and the cashier gives you the dreaded total, you were secretly hoping they would forget. You give your method of payment; cash is the only option in this story. As the cashier starts to give you your change and receipts back, its can get extremely messy. Here are the examples of the worst methods of handing back.

-          Placing the receipt on your hand and then you coin change on top of that and then bill change on top of that. This just creates so many problems, like the coins slipping off the receipt and the bills as well because you just can’t grip that without items falling.

-          Grouping the receipt with the bills, placing it on your hand and then the coin change on top. Again, terrible, trying to organized all that with only one available hand, because keep in mind you have a wallet in your other.

Also keep in mind, that you feel rushed to move on due to customers behind you, and this increases the stress and mess of putting your change in your wallet. There are other slight variations of these, but the main outlined problem here is putting the paper down first. You somehow have to shimmy the paper out from underneath without spilling the change. The best solution to this problem is quite simple.

First place the coin in the palm of the hand, with the receipt and bills gathered together on top. Now, how hard is that? Just always remember to place the heavy stuff down first!