Friday, March 25, 2011

Being a Lady, According to Me

 I find that I am a woman, but far from a lady at most moments in my life.  Here are some tips on how to achieve my state of lady-ness.

-          Always burp and scratch in public, dudes definitely think its hot...

-          If you’re tired, sleep in, who needs a shower?

-          Make sure to keep your mind dirty, and say whatever you think, don’t hold back, even if it’s the most disgusting thing you can think of. An example you say? How about the notion of baking your farts in a heated seat? That’s just something I’m working on...

-          Talk about your loner habits, people dig hearing about boring people and their activities. That’s how you bag the men.

-          Spit. Hey when your mouth gets full, why keep it in there?

-          Announce what you’re about to do, why hide that fact that you need to take a pee

-          You smelt it; then I probably dealt it. People fart, deal with it.

 -        Use male lingo. Ie. “I’d tap that” or “I’ve got such a boner for him”

I hope this satisfies your need to be more like me. I can’t give you all my golden advice, but this should suffice.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Conscience Sedation Sucks

Reasons why the Dentist’s Office is awkward:

-          When you have to have your face frozen to have a filling or worse. Not only is it painful, having the needle stick into your cheek and gums, but it gives you that super awkward smile after where it looks like half you face is dead.  And no matter how hard you try that part of your lip just won’t move. Your lips get all dried out and you attempt to put lip chap on and you can’t even rub your lips together.
-          The dentist has their fingers all up in your mouth. Like every time you try and swallow your mouth closes a little and then I feel all guilty for closing it more every time, they must think we’re trying to bite them or something.
-          The really awkward waiting period from when they freeze you and when the start working. You’re just lying there feeling your face freeze and numb while listening to the hygienists and dentists talk about TV shows their communally watch and make their funny dental humor.
-          Watching the TV’s in the ceiling. I’ve got the headphones on, but I can still hear what the dentists are saying and it’s like listening to two conversations and I get really confused as to which one to listen to. Half the time their arms and heads get in the way so you can’t even see the TV, or the tools get too loud that you can’t hear the TV, so you’re awkwardly lying there looking up the dentist’s nose.

All these things make the dentist a terrible experience. And they bring back the memory of my wisdom teeth extraction. I didn’t get sedated like most people do. I did it at my dentist’s office, where I was awake. They had me come in early for something called “conscience sedation”. I came in half an hour early to take a pill that would calm me but not knock me out. It’s affect on me was completely opposite. I took it and when they brought me back to sit in the chairs I started freaking out. They began freezing my mouth, again a painful procedure, feeling the chemicals spreading through your face, but they didn't do my upper lip, and man they pinched that a lot! After I became numb and they put those tinted safety glasses on me and were getting ready to put the dam thing in, I burst into tears because I’m had become so tense and was freaking out that I was going to die or something. The dentist was afraid to work on me, kept saying things like “We can do this another time”. I was barely audible when I finally burst out “Just do it!” And we proceeded, in a very embarrassing procedure. It was the most painful experience in my mouth ever. It makes your entire head hurt and I’m glad we only have to do it once in our lives. I ended up getting sick from the Tylenol 3’s they give you and got an infection. So the moral of the story is, don’t do drugs at the dentist, you may end up like this:

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The Day I Lost My Diginity

This one I can’t write in any other way then the straight up truth.

Most embarrassing experience of my life was in the summer of 2006 at my summer camp. It was my last summer as a camper, at my camp, we go on 4 or 5 day out-trips in the back country  on horseback riding, canoeing, backpacking or mountain biking trips. We were going on a horseback riding pack trip in my last year. But our trip was cut down a day, to 4 days. We had an extra day at camp before we had to leave, so while the rest of camp was packing up to leave the next morning, we as a cabin decided to go for a canoe around the lake and to hang out at the public beach, where there’s a sweet ice cream stand!
So we are required to wear life jackets when in a canoe on the water, but when we got to the beach I decided to leave it on and float around in the swimming area. I just love the support it gives! Holds in my big assets really well! Anyway I stayed in the water much longer than everyone else, it was so warm and perfect feeling!

After a little while I heard my best friend, Tanya, calling my name saying our cabin leader, Becky, was going to buy us all ice cream at the stand and we were going there now! So I lumbered out of the water and headed to our canoes to drop my life jacket. I ran up to catch them and was walking behind Tanya and I then looked down at my arm and saw a little black thing on my arm, and I tried to brush it off and it wouldn't move.
I should probably mention at this point that our lake at camp is crawling with leeches. I had never seen one before up close, and asked Tanya what this was, she turned around and picked it off saying it was a leech. I then got grossed out and asked her to check the rest of my, so she lifted up the back of my bathing suit and immediately said, “We need to find Becky”.  I started freaking out and wondering why, because I was covered in leeches all in my bathing suit. We rushed to the ice cream stand where the rest of my cabin and Becky, my leader were. Tears were streaming down my face at this point because I was freaking out. My cabin mates rushed to my aid when Tanya told them what was wrong. They began picking them off and when one girl started lifting up the front of my bathing suit everyone went silent and one girl had to pull something off my stomach. I never knew at the time. So keep in mind that I’m standing in the middle of the ice cream stand patio and they are starting to un-dress me, when someone finally suggested we go to the outhouse. My leader Becky and one other girl came in with me to clean the rest of me off.  I had to strip down in front of them while they checked the rest of me. When I was finally clean, they told me what happened when we got back to the canoes to head back to camp. The rest of the day is pretty much a blur, but I faintly remember canoeing back, half naked, then taking a shower and scrubbing really hard and taking an anti-histamine and the rest is foggy after that.. 

Apparently a momma leech had latched onto my stomach and laid her babies all over me, so the leeches had been fairly simple to get off, thank God.  But that still didn’t stop the itching and the crawling feelings I kept having. I couldn’t sleep at all that night because I kept feeling them all over me. But there is definitely so hiding what I look like anymore around those girls, they’ve officially seen it all.  You could say that was the day I lost my dignity..

My cabin mates never told me how big the momma leech was until 4 months later! It was about this big. 
 Please note that is not my actual photo, I had to googled it and well that brought make some terrifying memories...

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Cover the Bras

Time Period: High School

Location: Wal-Mart

You just ran into your crush with his friends, near the jewellery department with a basket containing, a magazine, scarf, t-shirt and two bras! And remember, you’re in high school, so it’s completely mortifying for your crush to see your potential over the shoulder boulder holders! So as you chit chat with him about him and his friends latest shenanigans, (because at this point he doesn’t know you like him, you think...), you slowly use the t-shirt & magazine to block the bras out of site. But in order to do this, you need to move in slow, deliberate movements that would go un-noticed. First cover the bras with the shirt, making sure to cover them entirely by spreading out the shirt and don’t forget to hide the tags, if you’re self-conscience about your shirt size, which no matter what people say, you’re always self conscience in high school. But when you grow up and get out of that place, you realize who you are and become way more comfortable with yourself, or you, know fall back on hiding behind sarcasm... anyways... that’s another story, back to the strategic plan to save yourself from dying of embarrassment.
Then use the magazine as an extra shield by propping it in front of the newly formed lump in your basket. 
Escape Plan, as if you need one, Drop the basket behind yourself or a display shelf! 
Hopefully this should save you from total embarrassment, but as you mature, you’ll look back on this and laugh, and maybe feel a little sad that you never actually expressed your feelings to this guy. If only you had balls in high school to be brave enough to talk to your crushes, dang shyness always gets in the way.

I guess I'll never understand why bras are even embarrassing? Because this is my second embarrassing bra story, but every girl wears one, so why is it so bad for a guy to see it. We have to look at their underwear every time they bend over. So unfair.   

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Don't Stand so Close to Me

When a dude beeline’s up to you in line at yogen fruz and stands literally less than a foot away. So close that I literally had to cover the debit machine with my wallet to prevent him from looking, cause it felt like he was perched on my shoulder. I’m surprised I couldn’t hear or feel him breath. When did it ever become acceptable to stand that close to a stranger, that’s like if you were getting on an escalator and there’s a stranger in front of you and you stand on the next step right behind them, so when the escalator starts moving, you either have your face in their back or right above their head and you can see their dandruff. This is socially too close for strangers.

It reminds me of movie theatres as well. Then it’s packed and you can’t have that socially respectful empty seat between you and a stranger, used mainly to hold coats or purses to secure the cushion of space. So you get “comfortable” sitting next to a complete stranger, both attempting to gain more space on the shared armrest. Or the awkward trying to decide who gets the cup holder. Or even more awkward when they are taller and broader then you and their body encroaches on your seat, they feel so close that you can feel the heat coming off their body. Or the person is equal height and tilts their head to a point where you can feel them breathing on you. So you spend the whole movie grossed out and never really remember the sweet, kickass movie you were watching at the time.  It’s a good thing that Pirates of the Caribbean is my best friend’s favourite movie, or I don’t think I would have know what happened in that movie.  

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Camp Community Living

You’re living in community with a team, mixed sexes. Your cabin is full of 3 girls, and you’ve gotten comfortable with each other after a month or so. You’ve gotten to the point where you change with the doors open so you can keep talking.  One night after spending the weekend apart, you’re catching up with your cabin mate across the hall. She heads to the bathroom to clean up while you start to change. You’re talking pretty loud so she can still hear you. What you don’t hear is someone knocking at the door, and you also don’t hear them come in. Until you walk across your room in your bra and undone pants to grab your pj’s. You turn around after picking them up to see your male team member standing in the doorway, shell-shocked. What do you do?

Well here’s what you shouldn’t do. You shouldn’t start yelling things like, “Burn Your Eyes! You Better Burn your Eyes!!” or “What’s wrong with you!?”  Or “Forget what you saw!! Erase it!” . No these are definitely things you shouldn’t yell, but have somehow managed to. But at least you had the smart move to cover yourself up with your pj shirt so he couldn’t see anymore. 

There is definitely some damage control that would have to happen, I suggest giggling about it with a different girl team member the next morning and then going silent and stare at him as he walks in the door. It makes him feel embarrassed, but in the end all is well when you forgive and can laugh about. Continue to joke about it as your continue to work with them, laugh about how he dropped the money he was paying you back with and ran, terrified. In the end, if gave you a closer bond.

 Man I’m just glad I was wearing a nice bra.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

My Wife is in the same situation.

Never, and I repeat never ask, or assume a women is pregnant. Hello, it’s called big girls! We have feelings too. Only is it acceptable to ask, “Oh is it a boy or girl?” or “When are you due?”, when the chick is ready to pop. . Here are a few hints to know when it’s appropriate to mention a woman’s belly:
  •   She’s waddling her way through the super market line up, one had on her lower back to support the weight
  •   She drops something and it takes great difficulty to pick up because her belly keeps getting in the way.
  •   If they start to get emotional and cry over something and then are yelling the next minute and then perfectly fine the next minute. Some women do this, but make sure there’s a belly.
  •   If it’s a smaller girl, when a basketball looks like it’s trying to escape her stomach.
  •   There appears to be a third nipple growing on their stomach
  •   Sometimes, and I haven’t seen this, but heard of it, you can see a foot or hand impression on her stomach. This means the baby is trying to escape it’s cave.
So unless you’ve seen some of these tips, don’t buy the fat girl her chocolate bar in the grocery store line up. What would I even do in the situation? Punch the dude? Correct him and walk away? Here’s what I would do; nod your head silently and accept the free chocolate bar and walk away, it just saved you $1.50!

the beginning of a hippie

Oh hey, there...
So I've been thinking/talking about doing a blog for awhile now, and now I'm finally just doing.
If it's bad, whatever, I tried, and with the beautiful technology these days, I can delete the evidence with a click of a button.
So like it or not, I'll be here writing about my situations and everyday hoopla. So deal with it, if you don't like it, don't read it. That simple.
But I hope you like it, I've always got a lot swimming through my head and I've finally started writing it out.
So enjoy, my awkward social situations.
They're legit.